Late Marriage, Whose Fault: Ladies or Gentlemen

This is never a new topic; my attention was called to this again in a whatsapp group I belong. Of course it’s an Islamic group. As Muslims we see ourselves as one big family and the notion that; why should sister A still remain single when brother B, C and D is available and ready to marry and vice versa.
When this discussion comes up, we all have something to say from general view but most especially from hardened sentiment. I will outline many of the common points majority feel justify to defend and share my takes on each of them.

Ladies are always at the disadvantage most of the time because society believes 95% ladies prefer a ready made guy who is financially buoyant to take care of her, even though they might be living in penury in their house. Interestingly, it is one of Allah’s injunctions we accepted wholeheartedly without questioning unlike that of a man marrying more than one wife. This is what led my wife to write an article on this titled: Marriage is not a poverty alleviation program. I am asking you, is it?

Just as society have that general view about the ladies; guys too are not left out. They are equally looking for a ready made girl almost perfect in character and up to the task in house keeping. Not only that, both parties check the physical appearance not excluding compatibility in terms of exposure, education and may more.

My take on this is simple, no one is to be blame, not checking those things could be disastrous sometimes, but before you conclude, let me remind you about a Yoruba Adage that says; “It is better to have a bad spouse than to have a bad in-law”. This is in line with what Islam thought us; we may look at beauty, family background, wealth and religion when choosing spouse but the best among them all is religion. While the Yoruba does not include consideration for religion, next to it from Islamic perspective is family background.

That aside, an open mind with the intention of sustaining or assisting your spouse is what will makes the best of relationship. 

As for the ladies; there is nothing wrong with searching for a man financially capable of taking care of you, but relationship is more sweeter if both of you join hand to build a brighter future. If you are fortunate to fetch out the one his future is here, what is the assurance it will last forever. Can you guarantee that? In that case, even if you are fortunate to have one, do you have sustainability goals to become an asset?

Think about that, if not, the relationship might not be a paradise you envision just because money is involved. Come to think of it, if that is what you are searching for, why waste those years in schools when you cannot sustain yourself or be of help in developing the future with a man using those qualification and knowledge.

To drive home my point, let me share a serious discussion on this that happens between me and my wife. Of course she have a Bsc Qualification like I do, the points I made that day that end the discussion was that; after all, we both have same qualification, although, in different profession; then, go ahead to make money with it and keep all to yourself, just stop victimizing me on not having enough for the family.

I am not happy for not up to the task then and I am not using that argument or points to protect myself but to make her understand that we found ourselves in the same circumstances, so, how am I to be blame and she is justified. That is the platform the western education; western life we are proud of; created.

Back to the guys; there is no one that will truly choose better over the best, but while we are searching for perfect ladies out there; to some extent, it’s an illusion. I am not disputing we have the ones that are well trained to be the best companion, but, are you prepare to be the best for her as well. Hopefully, if you are fortunate to get one, can you keep her on track? Will you keep motivating and inspiring her to be the best you found rather than taking advantages of her humble attitude.

On a more serious note, our leadership more than our money matter most to be the man. I have never for ones allowed my financial situation affected my decision to the extent of loosing my authority for long but temporarily on minor issue because I belief in my ability and the future.
Allah says in Q3:34

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).”

We both have something to take home in this verse, but guys should take note of what Allah called them to their women and that they must learn how to admonish their wives.

No lady will like to marry any man they cannot feel protected being with. If you are not confident of whom you are, how do you expect a lady to say yes to your proposal of being with you for life? Action speaks better than words, what we have within us speaks louder than what we utter. While many ladies look out for financial buoyancy of a man, they would have say yes to that guy with intellectuals and charisma before they realized they make mistake as they use to say despite the that fact that the future is brighter.

Ladies, why crying in silence for not having the right suitor to become husband. Don’t forget the ball is always in your court. Can you remember how many proposals you rejected onsite without previous knowledge of the suitor or any consideration to do so just because you cannot found at a glance those qualities you expect from your so called ideal man?

If money is your own yardstick and let me assume your family is financially buoyant today, have you ever ask your parents what the beginning look like and if otherwise, have you research from those your rich neighbours and or family friends what the beginning look like. In most cases the beginning is slightly rough and tough.

. . . to be continued

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